It always comes in pairs.
When it happens once, I'm on edge until it goes again. Every minute I'm thinking about it.
'Don't hit me now'
But then, as always, - BOOM!
It hits like a heavy fist in the seventh round.
The instant pounding of the heart rate. The sweats pouring off me. The inability to relax not matter what I do.
This time it was as I was ordering lunch. Just standing in line like I have a thousand times before. Waiting for my turn.
The anxiety attack hits. I am unable to keep my place in the queue and run off some place to hide. I can feel everyone thinking 'Where is he going?' 'Why is he sweating so much?'
I can feel everyone judging me.
I sit in the quietest corner of the food court, looking directly at the wall until it passes. It was probably only ten minutes but it felt like hours. Just waiting for the heart rate to lower, my shoulders to relax and some freedom to come back into my muscles.
I check my reflection in the public bathroom, only to notice the huge sweat patches under my arms.
I skip lunch today, hopefully I'll can do it tomorrow without incidence.
Anxiety has a way of sneaking up on me, she creeps up slowly, taps me on the shoulder and invites herself in. Its taken years for me to realize I can escort her out, tell her she is no longer welcome in my mind. Oh does she fight me! She resists, kicks, and screams. But the volume of her negativity slowly turns down as I concentrate on my breath. Breathe in.... Breathe out... I say to myself. She slowly extinguishes and slips out the door.
ReplyDeleteWow Joan Angel - well said. But trying to control her is alot easier said then done!
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