Mediation

I tried to mediate today.

I tried to find some place in my own head for me.

So I sat down and tried to sit still for twenty minutes - that is a task in itself!

Then I tried to switch off the tap of thoughts that flow through my head.
Now that was really hard!

I started by recognising the thoughts and acknowledging them - then letting them go.  I thought the influx of new thoughts would stop.

It didn't.

The thoughts just kept coming.

And coming.

Eventually they began to slow but they never stopped.  The twenty minutes felt like a year!

Ok - so Round 1 didn't work but I will try and stick it out for a week.

Relaxation

Relaxation

What a concept.  Finding a spot within your own head and looking for some peace.

Wow.
I haven't found peace in my own head for a long time.
I'm scared of whats up there.  All that space to think.  Hmmm.... even thinking about it makes me anxious.

Every mediation book speaks about finding the space in your own head where it's comfortable - I'm too afraid too even start looking.
I tried Yoga once and even then I did not like the last ten minutes of rest.

I just can't stop the thoughts.
Some days I'm not even in control of the thoughts.  They are like an out of control train that I know needs to be reigned in but I do not have the equipment to stop something with so much force.

I wish I could control it.  I wish I was in control.  But sadly I'm not.  Not even close.

I don't know who is in control.  Maybe my past?  I want some space in my own head.  A place I can retreat too and call my own.

Thoughts?
Tips? 

Today, I hide

After two anxiety attacks found their way into my week, my energy levels lay depleted for my Saturday.

I do not want to see anyone today. 
I don't talk to anyone.
I don't want to see anyone.
I don't want to know that the world exists today.

I have no passion for the crazy today.  I will write today off like Saturday did not exist.

I will just curl into a ball and lie on my well-loved couch and listen to the mumblings on my television.
Today, it is all too much.  I've seen enough people this week, I've been judged enough.

I will escape into the world of new release movies, giving my mind a break from my stressful life.

Today, I will disappear from the world and hopefully tomorrow I will re-enter with more energy.

Here's hoping!

Anxiety - Round 2

It always comes in pairs.

When it happens once, I'm on edge until it goes again.  Every minute I'm thinking about it.
'Don't hit me now'

But then, as always, - BOOM!

It hits like a heavy fist in the seventh round.

The instant pounding of the heart rate.  The sweats pouring off me.  The inability to relax not matter what I do.
This time it was as I was ordering lunch.  Just standing in line like I have a thousand times before.  Waiting for my turn.

The anxiety attack hits.  I am unable to keep my place in the queue and run off some place to hide.  I can feel everyone thinking 'Where is he going?' 'Why is he sweating so much?'

I can feel everyone judging me. 

I sit in the quietest corner of the food court, looking directly at the wall until it passes.  It was probably only ten minutes but it felt like hours.  Just waiting for the heart rate to lower, my shoulders to relax and some freedom to come back into my muscles.

I check my reflection in the public bathroom, only to notice the huge sweat patches under my arms.

I skip lunch today, hopefully I'll can do it tomorrow without incidence.

Anxiety

It happened again.

Everything seemed fine, everything seemed normal, when it struck.

It had been a good week. No stress, no deadlines, no social pressures.

But still it hit me.

Sitting on the train, with no way to get off, it hit. First it was the shoulders. They just crept closer and closer to my ears. No matter what I did, they would not relax.

Then it was the heart rate. Despite having sat still on a train for the last ten minutes, my heart rate was through the roof, pounding at the walls of my chest.

Finally came the sweats. On a morning that held no heat, I was sweating uncontrollably. I could feel the patches under my arms getting bigger and bigger.

I had nothing to be anxious about. Nothing to fear. But it still struck me.

Hopefully, that is the only one for today.

Yum

Walking amongst the drone, living dead, I wandered through my city today.

I hate the slow walking junkies.  They're the people that get off on walking really slow, holding everyone else up, laughing as we try to push past.
Usually they are larger than average and waddle side to side as trek forward.
But they also come in every shape and form, diverting into my direct path because they saw some sparkle in a shop window.

Today, stuck behind a conga line of middle aged waddlers, I looked for a hole to jump through to overtake them.  On the narrow street, they dominated.

Just behind one of their ears, I whispered 'Yum'.

They turned around and I stared at them and smiled.

They soon moved out of my way.  I no longer have a problem with slow walkers.

Just a little off centre...

This morning was so painful.  Even the luxury of a warm shower under the blanket of a cold morning was not enough to shake my agony.

My breakfast, the ironing of my shirt and even the bus trip was the same monotone bland that greets me each Monday morning.

I was about to explode when I hoped off the bus.... so I walked down the city backwards.

And this isn't any street. Nope, the busiest street in my city at morning peak hour.  Dressed in my shirt and tie, clean shaven and respectable, I walked down the street backwards.

Everyone looked, some laughed, most got out of my way.

What a good way to start the day.  That made me smile for the remainder of my Monday.